The Clown Incident

Friday night, my roomie, The Student Nurse, and I were sitting on the couch, not really doing anything at all. Actually, we were probably watching Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, but I don't really like to admit that.

The Student Nurse gets a text from Miss Erratic. Miss Erratic had been at work all night but she called The Student Nurse telling her that as soon as she reached our house, we were to jump in the car with her. She was going to take us to a haunted house.

Immediately, I get butterflies in my stomach. I don't really like to be scared. I already have anxiety issues, and throwing a haunted house on top of me out of no where did nothing to help this fact. I like to be able to calm down and not shake uncontrollably or have that nervous pee feeling. Usually, this takes a long while to do and often includes me pacing around the house with my eyes closed and taking deep heaving breaths. But Miss Erratic had other ideas. She is spontaneous. She had to go to the haunted house. Now.

So The Student Nurse and I grabbed our sweaters and headed out the door. We got into Miss Erratic's car and hit the road. We actually made a few wrong turns, but we eventually found the place. In the middle of the country. Basically no where. In the dark. It was a huge farm with a horrible, rocky, creepy, tree-lined driveway. And no one knew where we were going. That is the first rule; tell someone where you are going so if you die, at least they will know where to look for your body.

We pulled up into a field and there were other cars there. That made me feel better. The fact that other people are going to be in there getting scared on purpose just like I was going to do, made it seem not so crazy to me. We got our tickets and then got in line. It was slightly chilly, but normal for an October night. But the chill in the air did not explain my shivering. No, that was the anticipation of things popping out in front of me building up in my chest, ready to be let out in continuous blood-curdling screams.

We reached the front of the line and finally it was our turn. Deep breath. I made Miss Erratic go first as there was no way I was going head first into the unknown. I also made The Student Nurse go last, so I wouldn't get snuck up on from behind. Legitimate fears you know.

It started off not so bad. We had a tour guide so we weren't going in completely unaware. I screamed a little. I was actually very proud of myself for not peeing. Yet.

Then we got to be birthed. Literally. The tour guide shoved us through these dense beanbag-like black things hanging from the ceiling. It was a tight fit and snug and claustrophobia-producing. But really, all I could think about while I was getting through it was, "My hair is going to look like a hot mess after this." Later, The Student Nurse told me all she could think about was how she was sad she never got to experience being birthed the normal way; she was a C-section baby. I hope this experience resolved any standing issues she might have had with that.

After that, we had to walk through a pitch black maze. No big deal. I was just following Miss Erratic. The only bad part about it was The Clown waiting for me at the end. He scared me. I screamed, probably a little too loudly. And then he started coming for me.

He knew I was the weak link. I had no choice but to back up, with The Student Nurse clinging to my sweater behind me. I backed up as far as I could go, straight into a corner. I knew I was squishing The Student Nurse, but The Clown was in my face. I could feel him breathing on me. I was scared. And then, The Clown stepped on my toes. He actually stepped on me. It hurt. He had clompy shoes on and I just had flip flops. I got angry.

Me: You stepped on me!

The Clown: *heavy breathing*

Me: You STEPPED on ME!

The Clown: *sigh* Sorry.

Me: .....

The Clown: RAHHHHAHAHH!!

Me: ....

He finally backed up and let me continue on my way through the haunted house. By the time The Student Nurse and I had gotten past The Clown, Miss Erratic was already way ahead. We never really did catch up to her until we got to the end.

After The Clown incident, I do not think I will ever be able to take haunted houses seriously again.

I might even be able to get over my extreme fear of chainsaw wielding crazy men. But not likely.