What Is In My Head

Have you ever just been so overwhelmed with life that you just want to quit for a while? Or you are so stressed out that you just don't want to think anymore. I feel like life was so much easier when you could take a time out, sit in a corner, and when the 15 minutes of punishment was over, you forgot all about it. I want to take a time out right now. I want to shut my brain off and not think about anything. Why can't I do that?

Sometimes, life just isn't fun. There is so much that goes on on a daily basis that I feel like I can't keep up with all the stuff in my brain. I want to just compartmentalize everything and only think about what I want to think about at that moment. Like, open up a file drawer and read it, then put it back and not worry about it.

Worry. That is something different all together. I want to not worry. I am such a worrier though. I worry about everything. Everything.

1. I worry about my clothes piling up in my room that I need to put in the closet, about the shoes in the floor that I just keep stepping over.

2. I worry about the dishes that need to be put away ( okay, not so often, but every now and then), about the textbooks cluttering up the coffee table in the living room.

3. I worry about my homework, about waking up early, about going to bed early enough so I don't feel horrible in the morning.

4. I worry about what I eat, and when I eat crap, I worry about my weight.

5. I worry about how my hair turns dirty blonde in the winter because of the lack of sunlight, and because of my lack of motivation to dry it every day so I just throw it up in a bun.

6. I worry about paying for gas, getting a job, paying the bills, and paying the rent.

7. I worry about my friends, how they are doing in school, and if they are happy.

8. I worry about my family, since I live so far from them and don't get to speak to or see them as often as I would like.

9. I worry about boys, about finding the right one that isn't going to break my heart, about how I probably have ruined every good relationship I've ever had and I don't even know why, about how I miss the boys I have loved, about how I think I am probably going to end up being an old bitty with seventeen cats.

10. I worry about how I like to take naps, a lot, and I wonder if that is normal.

11. I worry about how I can be really lazy sometimes, and I wonder if there is something wrong with me, like a lack of life motivation.

12. I worry about being the absolute best person I can be, to everyone I meet; I hate it when people don't like me, even though I know I'm not going to be able to please everyone and get everyone to like me.

13. I worry about how freakin' much I worry. This definitely can't be normal.

And this is totally not even all. There is so much more, I just can't even write it all up. Because I know it would take the rest of my life to write about everything that worries me.

I think I need a way to de-stress, a way to be able to get away from everything in my head for just a little while. Right now, my method of coping is sleeping; when I'm asleep, I don't have to think about anything. Dreams are my heart's fantasies and I would rather spend more time in dreamland than in real life.

That is scary. I don't think I have ever actually admitted that I would rather sleep my life away than live it.

So, what do I do now? Meditation? Prayer? Sitting in silence and just letting my thought take over for a while and try to figure everything out? I have no clue anymore.

However, I have figured out one thing. Having nothing to do, like on this little winter break of mine, is so obviously not good for me. I need to be busy to keep my mind off the things that really bother me.

Geeze. That's the sum of all this.