Not Really A Happy Post...

I don't know how to get what I want. Or maybe it's that I don't even know what I really want. I mean, I think I know that I want. Most of the time. Or at least I know what I want in the moment. But it changes with whatever is going on in my life at the time. Does that make me fickle? Or just a regular woman with mood swings like usual?

I'm warning you know. This might be a rant. I will try to make this brief.

I try really hard not to wear my heart on my sleeve, but it just seem inevitable. One thing goes right for me and I put myself up on a pedestal. I feel like I'm on top of the world. I can do anything. So I let myself go. I feel invincible. I put myself out there and the world is beautiful.

But then crap happens. Murphy's Law. (I just had to Google that by the way.) If something bad can happen, it will happen. I think it's God's way of saying, "get your head out of the clouds girl!" So my heart gets broken, my stress level rises dramatically, and I start to have mini-freak-outs. I just want to sleep all the time and not have to worry about my life anymore.

And then, as suddenly as it started, it's over. I know this happens to me, but I can't seem to get out of the vicious cycle. I know I'm only hurting myself. Maybe writing it out like this will help. I've heard that you are supposed to tell someone when you are about to do something major. So here it is:

I am not going to get so worked up over the little things anymore. I am not going to stress over nothing. I am not going to put myself on the line unless I know I can live through the fall.

I know God has my back. I may not know exactly where He is trying to lead me at all times, and that can get stressful because I like to have control over everything that happens to me. But I need to let that control-freak part of me go.

But back to me getting what I want.... I can obviously achieve my goals, or I wouldn't be sitting on this nice couch my parents bought me in the nice apartment that my school loan is paying for in the town where I am attending an expensive private college for pharmacy. I can apply myself to get where I want to go. It is just hard for me once I get there. I think I am afraid of being a success. A successful failure that is.

I'm not sure where else I want to go with this, so before it gets way too ridiculous, I'm just going to stop. Hopefully my warning from earlier was sufficient enough. I hope you didn't get this far and are now yelling at me, "You are crazy! I can't believe I just read this crap!" So, I'm sorry. I will have fun stories to tell soon. :)